I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize