Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
