he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That was before I lit my hair on fire
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
