I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
