am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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