Got a toothbrush?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
