I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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