one two three fourrrrnication!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize