My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
worst night to have a conscience
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
