gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
