i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
