I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
