Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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