Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
