I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
