did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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