I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
