Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
