i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
