the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
