Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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