the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize