My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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