Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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