i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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