I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
