My cat gives me a boner
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
