I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
