If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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