Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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