i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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