Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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