we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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