he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
