I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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