did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
