i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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