dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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