You can't motorboat a personality
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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