I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
