you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
