They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
