god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
