the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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