I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
