I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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