dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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