a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
