This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
