Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
