the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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