He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We need a shit load of segways right now
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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