OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
