Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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