but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
