Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
