you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
