I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
