Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
