Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize