I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
