Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
where are my eyebrows?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
