At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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