i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
