I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
