I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
